Sometimes they say writing helps you deal with the pain and the anguish.
As I do write, I know that this process for me has never been a very creative or lofty one; I usually prefer clarity and focus. Yet, why is it that my life hardly reflects that intellectual rigour.
It is a strange conundrum. An angel told me recently to stop analysing every failure and give in to the emotion ‘Cry if you want, rage and forgive’. I have done that too, am spent and now choose to put it all in perspective.
First up I have the most amazing family a man can wish for. Parents who god knows have had to deal with me being different. Two very strong sisters, primary influencers in my life. Brother in laws who are really brothers and nieces and a nephew who sometimes annoy me but more often than not, give me so much joy.
Guess seeing all this joy around me there is a tinge of envy. I want them around all the time. Though I know they are entitled to their lives and I have to get on with mine.
Then why is it that, when I do try, it’s back to square one?
That is where I deal with that central dilemma. How can someone with so much going for them, a family, intellect and superb friends always fall for the same thing?
Why, when I know the chase, romance and elation is hardly substantial I fall for that dangerously beguiling thing -‘love’
My central thesis is that despite all the rationale and counselling, I give in every time to the eloquence of ‘love’.
Love is what you do and not what you say.
A mantra I repeat each time I hear it and then I fall into the trap of letting the other off the hook, by doing everything to live up to it.
My latest grouse is that there have been some wonderful people I have overlooked, they were never good with the eloquence, and I chose someone who clearly mastered it.
Knowing it was wrong, knowing that person belonged to someone else.
As I fall into that abyss of feeling short changed, for the first time I realise I can have faith in my resilience.
I will put my shoulder to the grindstone and defy the world. At the end of the day I owe it to all of you.
For never giving me the empty eloquence of ‘love’.
